One year, kinda
by eliza-w
Summary: Just some of Sam's thoughts of whatever occured during his roadtrip with Dean. WARNING: Spoilers for season 2.


Disclaimer: I don't even own them in my dreams.

A/N: I wrote this on the first couple of days in the year. I only read it once so if you think it sucks, I won't blame you.

I wanted to put events from 'Hunted' in here too but an earthquake disrupted the Internet connection in my country so I couldn't watch it on YouTube. Basically, these are Sam's thought before the last scene in 'Croatoan.'

* * *

A lot can happen in one year. It's the same with everybody, including me. And it all started a year ago. OK, it has been more than a year, but when you're on a road-trip with your brother, you won't notice how time flies. Especially if you're busy with demons, family issues and having prank wars.

After leaving for Stanford, thought I would never have to do this again. No sharpening knives, no cleaning guns, no sleeping in cheap motels, no more hustling pool and above all no more hunting demons. That went up in smoke in matter of seconds, together with the future I had planned for the past two years. And together with Jessica. He first girl I've ever loved. The girl I hoped to be in the future I've dreamed about. If only I hadn't ignored those dreams. Ironic, isn't it? The only reason I ignored them was because I wanted a normal life and the only reason my normal life was taken from me was because I ignored those dreams.

So after I was out of my burning apartment, I decided to follow Dean to find Dad and find the demon that was responsible for murdering Jess. Fortunately, this time around the trip isn't as bad as I remembered it. Probably because we have more freedom now since Dad isn't the one controlling where and when we go. I actually had a say in choosing or destination, like when I wanted to go to St. Louis to help Rebecca and Zack. Who knew what happened there would come back to haunt us. I didn't think we would be able to escape the police again. Guess luck was on our side that day.

Another good thing that came out of our road trip together was that I got to see another side of Dean. All those years we spent growing up didn't teach me as much about my big brother like this past couple of months. I never knew Dean was so good with kids until we met Lucas. The way he got Lucas to respond to him surprised me. Now I realize that it shouldn't have. After all, he did practically raise me on his own. I wouldn't be half the man I am if it wasn't because of him. Not that I would ever tell him, his ego is big enough as it is.

He even opened up to me. Something he never did that when we were kids. He said that he wanted us to be a family again. Wanted things to go back as they were. I hated to crush his dream like that but he needed to know that after finding the demon, I wanted my life back. He needed to know that he has to let me go. But the demon had other plans. We went back on the road trip that night. A couple of weeks later, Dean opened up to me again and finally I understood why did he have blind faith on Dad. I feel bad for him actually. Having Dad's trust ripped away in just seconds and it's all because he wanted some time off from being a big brother.

Soon after that we found Dad again and the yellow-eyed demon. Thought we were finally gonna waste that son of a bitch. Instead the demon possessed Dad and almost killed Dean. If Dad hadn't fought it, Dean would have died. Everything could have ended that night but it would mean that I had to kill Dad for it. No way, I wasn't going to do it even though I knew that Dad would skin me alive afterwards. Too much was at stake on that shot, Dad's life, my relationship with Dean, what's left of my family. After all that, I almost lost them anyway, in the accident.

I cursed myself for not being able to move after the accident. At least with Dad, I just ha to turn my head and I could see him breathing. Dean was another matter. He had already lost a lot of blood from the demon's attack. He might not be able to survive this. Dad was barely breathing by the time the paramedics got there. I was so sure that I lost everyone I loved as they were boarding me on to the helicopter. How could I not be? I was screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to tell me other wise but no one did.

I was relieved when I saw Dean still breathing although it was with the help of a machine. At least it gave me some kind of hope. The doctor's words hit me like a ton of bricks, though. He didn't think that Dean would wake up from the coma. It took me a split second to know that Dean wasn't going to die. Not if I had any say in it. I brought Dean back from the brink of death once and I'll do it again. No matter what the cost. But Dad beat me to it. He made a deal with the devil. His life for Dean's. He threw in the Colt too. And the last time I had a chance to talk to him, I started a fight. I'm a great son, aren't I?

When I saw Dad on the floor, a part of me knew it was all over. Yet I hoped beyond hope that I was wrong. God, how I hoped that I was wrong. There was so much for me to tell him. Things like _I'm sorry, I need you _and _I love you. _So much I want him to tell me. So much animosity for us to resolve. We never had a real conversation before, not really. Whenever one tried the other would just start screaming. The one we ever had was in the cabin, when Dean went out to the mortuary. When Dad told me about the $100 he put for my and Dean's college fund. That was the only conversation we had in long time that didn't involve any screaming…we even laughed. I guess it was what you will call a father and son moment.

"Time of death, 10.41 A.M," when those words were said, it was like the world just stopped. It was hard to accept Dad was dead. He's the kind of guy who you'll expect to live until he's a 115 or something. A fighter.

The weeks after that were even worse. My relationship with Dean experienced the worst strain ever. I waited a week but he didn't say anything, he didn't mention Dad. So I made up my mind to make him talk, one way or another. My plan worked all right, just not the way I expected. Never thought he would yell at me for being a bad son. What hurt was not that Dean yelled, but the fact that it was true. I knew if I wanted him to talk to me, I have to talk to him first. I had to make sure that he didn't have anything to attack me with. I guess I did just that because instead of attacking me, he took it out on the Impala.

I saw every swing he took on his precious car. All 17 of them. Didn't dare to approach him although I really wanted to be there for him. It was one of the things you never talk about. So I never brought it up. Heck, I never brought Dad up until we met Gordon. As a reward, I received a punch. Man, our family is so screwed up. But at least at the end of it all Dean was acting more like himself than he had for weeks. So the punch was worth it.

I didn't know why, I still don't but it felt right to visit Mom's grave. Yeah, I know it's just a tombstone and that she wasn't buried six feet under but it was just something I had to do. Dean, instead of following me to the gravesite, found a zombie. Not only did she break my wrist but brought out a whole new level of insanity in my brother.

"I was dead, I should have stayed dead."

I probably should have said something after he gave his speech. But everything he said, mainly because the line up there just left me numb. I couldn't think anything to say, I couldn't even think clearly. Even the pain from my broken wrist was nothing compared to the pain from hearing Dean say those words. How could he feel that? Like he was less deserving to live. I thought all this afterwards but it was too late to bring it up.

To tell you the truth, I am scared to death about my visions and what they mean. Mostly because every time I had them, I'm reminded that the demon has plans for me and children like me. But though I was scared, I could still handle it and I knew it was because I had Dean by my side. That went down the drain with his confession to Andy. Yeah, he did a do-over, which would have worked if we were kids. Not to mention that he almost got himself killed, after I told him to stay away.

Next few weeks after that went back to normal. If you consider trapping the spirit of the first serial killer, normal. It might have been easier if Jo hadn't decided to tag along but then again we might not have been able to finish the job. Somehow, the ride back to the roadhouse was much worse compared to the days' events. I wouldn't blame Ellen, she was just worried about her daughter. I mean, after what happened between Dad and her family…it's understandable. After that, we decided to stay away from them whenever we could, figured both families needed some time apart.

Getting in trouble with the police is bad. Luckily, we were thought to lie to the cops. Coming up with the same story would have been very difficult if we weren't. But it still wasn't as bad as finding out how Dad died and where he was right now. I figured Dad must have made a deal, just didn't tell Dean. I had two reasons for that. The first was Dean already blames himself for Dad's death. The second was that I didn't want to believe it myself. Would you? What's worse is that my brother, the only person I have left, considered making a deal himself to bring Dad back.

I knew something was wrong with him. But I never thought it was his will to live. Never thought that he'll be prepared to lose his life after I loss mine. That he'll be tired of hunting, of his life. I have to talk to him about that. Pry it out of him if I have to. He's been hiding something, ever since Dad died. I know he has but I didn't think he'll last this long. Now I just have to make sure to get it out even if it's the last thing I do. For his sake.

So yeah, this past year…and a half has been hell for me. Losing Jess, losing Dad, finding out that I'm supposed to be part of some plan. But hey, at least I found my brother. My annoying, idiotic, over-protective brother. Whoever said that every cloud has its silver lining, knew what he was talking about.


End file.
